Tags
dhammagiri, discipline, equanimity, igatpuri, meditation, noble silence, peace, sheel, Shri Goenka, sins, temptations, vibrations, vipassana
I sinned on Day 3.
No – I didn’t eat meat, didn’t break the noble silence, didn’t intoxicate myself, didn’t have sex with a man (or woman), didn’t cheat by hiding my IPhone. I even denied myself the temptation of reading a book. Oh that last one was truly a sacrifice!
Yet I broke my sheel or code of conduct … b’cos I wrote. At the cost of foregoing my slot in Heaven … I wrote. How else would you be reading this?
Infact, IMHO writing should be encouraged here, not banned. Vipassana ignites a volcano of conflicting emotions. With speech and sms banned, what better outlet than a diary to jot down thoughts? A day to day see-saw of emotions will always resonate better with future Vipassana aspirants than a Day 11-delirious-am-finally-going-home euphoria.
Day 1: Dhammagiri, Igatpuri. 135 kms from Mumbai. Feeling excited. Am on the threshold of imbibing new knowledge.
Early bird (< 9.30 am) gets a solo room with a view. Being lucky with a capital L, my R38 cabin has a mountain-clouds-blue sky-gulmohar tree view. Situated down a steep flight of stairs, it promises to become the only source of physical exercise in the coming 10 days. (Yes, yoga & jogging is not permitted.)
A grueling 4.00 am to 9.30 pm itinerary includes a whopping 10 hours of meditation. My mind automatically translates 10 hours into 36,000 seconds!!! Not for the faint hearted, admittedly. We get a brutally frank warning to leave right now or stay put for 10 days. No escape in between!
We get allotted fixed seats in the Dhamma hall. (I learn that dhamma = dharma) Lucky me gets a seat bang below the ceiling fan! Cross legged on floor cushions, we ladies focus attention on the Simba area (the triangle from forehead to upper lips).
Just watch the breath come in, go out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Observe. Observe. Observe.
I feel a rivulet of sweat tickle down my back. I pop open one eye; and am just in time to see the sevika switch off all fans. In 35 degrees C Indian summer, in a room sans air conditioner, in a room with 300 women and in a room with closed windows! On the verge of demanding Why? I’m muffled by their code of Noble Silence.
The Vipassana course frowns upon all forms of communication, but trust the women to find a way out. (men are cordoned off in another hall for the Purity code of conduct) Across the room, there are episodic explosions of burps, gas bubbles, hiccups, yawns and umm … other indelicate sounds. No wonder the veteran kitchen caterers plied us with digestive ginger water!
My mind’s Hanuman soon vaults over Simba’s triangular Laxmanrekha and swings from idea to idea, memory to memory & fantasy to fantasy. It shrugs off the ‘No music’ dictum of Igatpuri. Sonu Nigam grabs a mike and croons Deewana in my left ear. An hour later Nazia Hasan sashays in with Aap jai koi. My efforts at meditation are Sonu-otaged on day 1.
I get an Archimedes moment – a brand new story plot pops up in my mind. I dwell on it for 15 minutes and then wave it away reluctantly. Fantasy not allowed.
Day 2: Still cross legged on floor. Today we (try to) focus attention over the nostril entrance for 10 hours. Instead, my attention gets frantic SOS signals from 2 zones – my back muscles and my thigh muscles. They ache, they throb, they spasm and they tremble. A heat wave swells & rolls down my body. The fans stay firmly switched off.
Feeling weary from the sheer monotony of it. Someone please tell me the point of this exercise!
We stand in line for breakfast, lunch and snacks. The dishes are hot, healthy and clean. They include 2 types of rotis, a dal, 2 vegetables, rice, cucumber-carrot salad. Food is unlimited, except for the aamras (mango juice delicacy) that we get today as a feast. Yet, it is bland for my tastebuds. Buttermilk is my saviour of the day. Chilled and delicious, it salvages my lunch.
The story plotline germinates into 3 alternate endings – one happy, one mysterious, one sad. Hmm, which one should I select? Oh, stop it!
I dump my sweaty clothes at the laundry service (only Rs 10/- per cloth.) I sweep my room clean (yes, every room has a broom & duster for its inhabitant to use). I calculate how many days are left before I return home.
Day 3: Same cross-legged posture. Today we narrow down the focus to Hitler moustache area.
Hour after hour. It seems tedious, repetitive & fruitless (i.e fruitless except for the bananas & watermelons, which alternate as our 5.30 pm-last-meal-of-the-day snacks. Hmm, now I know where the expression ‘going bananas’ originated!)
Sitting cross legged for hours makes the sweat pool and ferment behind my kneecaps. Damn, I should have packed a Deo, even though it was prohibited. We are expected to concentrate, focus, introspect and find inner peace in the midst of sweat, heat and aches! It’s sadistic, it’s inhuman, it’s … necessary as per Shri Goenka, insist the sevikas calmly.
At lunch I run a dour eye over the bland food Oh, for a dab of tangy mango pickle! I spoon into a cool watermelon slice. A sly glance at the plates around me reveals that everyone had taken 2 chunky slices of watermelon while I took just one. They were getting smarter while I was getting wiser.
I get a scolding at lunchtime. Owing to noble silence, the scolding takes the form of raised eyebrows and an exaggerated nod towards the uneaten food in my plate. Guilty, m’lord!
My mind rebels & sulks. I feel a mounting , intense irritation. Enough is enough. I bunk 2 whole hours of post lunch meditation – and commit the sin. Thankfully I had the foresight to pack 4 sheets of blank paper. Drunk on the exhilarating company of words I indulge, indulge and indulge myself.
Day 4: A glimmer of understanding in sight at last! Shri Goenka’s voice introduces a variation in the meditation marathon. We learn to sweep attention serially from head to toe and left to right. At each body part, we have to pause and register the skin sensations, which may be gross (heat, cold, ache) or subtle (like vibrations, needles, tingling etc).
I try to imagine Arjun’s fingers tiptoeing across my skin. Just as I get cozy, the Shri Goenka’s voice insists that all sensations should be dispassionate. Reluctantly I brush aside Arjun’s fingers.
Head to toe. Left to right. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. The game plan is to not enjoy the pleasant sensations and not hate the unpleasant ones. Equanimity is the keyword.
(Hey! Isn’t this the स्तिथप्रद्न्य that Krishn mentioned in Bhagavad Gita? शीतोष्ण सुख दुख is just apt for my attempts to tolerate the current heat agony. So finally everything converges into or emerges from the Gita, I observe bemused.)
My story’s male protagonist gets a scar and a valid reason for it. As for the female protagonist, she’ll have to take a heartbreaking decision … Whatever else Vipassana may or not achieve, it is surely good for creativity!
Day 5: Same game plan as day 4, except that we focus on parallel points i.e both shoulders , both thighs simultaneously. In addition, we are mandated to maintain Adhishttana i.e no posture change, eyes closed and back ramrod straight for an entire 60 minutes. OMG, what if I get deep vein thrombosis or Raynaud’s ischemia?
I walk 6 times up and down the steep flight of stairs to negate the numbing Adhishttana posture.
Day 6: Hallelujah! I attain Adhishttana today.
I feel multiple delicious bubbles bursting beneath my skin. It feels like the exotic pedicure where fishes nibble away dead cells from soles. Or like an O2 facepack. Or like an aroma sauna massage.
Do I survive the next 4 days? Do I gain what I came here for? Do I take away anything precious with me? Do I alter myself for the better? And most importantly, does my story plotline get zany twists?
Can’t wait for part 2. I have never done Vipassana, but have done a 7 day Art of Living silence program… and I simply love them, and can’t live without them for more than 6 months. Some key differences are: yoga and breathing exercises are encouraged in AOL, nature walks are encouraged, writing out questions and botherations are encouraged and so is “group seva”… so we wash dishes, chop veggies, clean the meditation hall together in teams… Believe it or not, the seva is very fulfilling… just something about working as a team in silence and harmony is very nourishing. The meditations are called “Hollow and empty” and I think as a doctor, you would really enjoy them. (the second time ) for me, the first time was like “uhhhh….. what is this?” But the after-effects of the silence program were unmistakable.
LikeLike
Sounds enticing. Nature walks were allowed here too. I guess the keyword is ‘practice’ whatever is learnt. Its never a one time step
LikeLike
I think the first time is hard… Simply bcos it takes time to go deep … For me, from the second silence course onwards the meditations became absolutely awesome… But even after the first silence course I felt a huge change
LikeLike
Yea theres so much inner resistance built up over years. I went voluntarily but still had queries, doubts, inhibitions cropping up. Like u said, mayb 2nd time would b a real deep dive
LikeLike
Wow. Great to read ur blog. Looking fwd to meeting you on july 17th. Hope u r coming. Remember you need to sign my copy of ur book !!
LikeLike
Yes am attending 🙂 and will do the needful
LikeLike
Nicely written blogs …I’m one of your fans !!
LikeLike
Oooh you made my Sunday!
LikeLike
Avidly waiting for the sequel. Attained Dhamma or.. your Karma !
LikeLike
Hmm, I’m still waiting for the verdict myself as to what exactly I discovered within smile emoticon 🙂
LikeLike
Wow Drsweety, that was a great read….u seem to be enriched and enlightened.:) ..eagerly waiting for part 2..on a lighter note I hope u r back with the worldly vices…
LikeLike
Ah the vice like grip of vices are an enemy for the wises
LikeLike
The most dangerous journey of all is the journey inside ones own mind…
LikeLike
And the most bewildering. Hopefully most enriching too
LikeLike
nashik vipassana and swetty surprising !! but looks like the silence chemicals in brain enhance ur writing….
LikeLike
Oh yes they did. Its the number one benefit I grabbed for myself.
LikeLike
I always wanted to go there but the thought of not speaking just scares me 😀
LikeLike
Haha, my talkative mother found it relatively easy, even a welcome relief. Personally ‘no talking’ was the easiest tenet to follow. But no reading/writing was really tough on my willpower.
LikeLike
I have never attended Vipasana. From your experience it appears the whole exercise is to control mind. I would not mind joining. Keeping quiet is not a problem. Sitting 10 hours cross legged may be a problem.
LikeLike
Yes, its all about mind control via breath. Seniors are permitted to be seated in chairs with back rest, so that’s absolutely no problem. I didn’t get taxed by no talking clause. Surprisingly my talkative Mom didn’t either!
More experiences forthcoming in part 2!
LikeLike